Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
