Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize