The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
