Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Randomize