Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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