Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
