Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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