Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
