I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize