I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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