i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize