I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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