I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
