He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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