your parents love me but you hate me
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Randomize
