Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
