I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
