Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
