Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Randomize
