Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
