I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
