we're chasing vodka with high fives
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I forget how to act sober
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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