I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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