the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize
