life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
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