tell your sister to shave her snatch
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize