Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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