Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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