I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
