Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize