He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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