you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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