I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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