There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize