Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
