If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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