I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
