why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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