Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize