So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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