I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
