You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
