You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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