I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
