i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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