Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
