she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Two words: blizzard sex
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
