I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
