Her vagina should come with caution tape.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
