You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
