He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
