if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
