we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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