The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
