I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
