Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
