What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
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