Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Randomize
