I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
