explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
