If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
