tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
