Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
